Sue's Sewage Sueage
by Vera Amber
Summary: Jacob and Leah, on a sugar high, dump a bunch of Doritos into the Forks sewer system, which is owned by Sue Clearwater. Sue sues them, and the results are mixed. Rated T because of paranoia. Oneshot.


**Okay, so I'm posting this oneshot because I have over 100,000 words archived, which is AWESOME! :) I'll post another oneshot when I get to 200,000 words archived.**

**Also, I came up with the title of this fanfic _forever_ ago, but didn't know what to do for the actual story. Then, one day, when I was talking to Lily (Angel Ride's Ghost AKA LilyHasWings AKA Lily and Angel and Gazzy Ride AKA Lilyth's Flock) about how I scribble _everything_ down in my notebook, I figured out that Sue Clearwater would be the "Sue". The Jacob-and-Leah-on-a-sugar-high idea I got from one of M.G's (M.G Christiani) fanfics, "Wolf Pack Note Passing: Sugar High Style". The Doritos idea came from there being a bag of Doritos beside my bed. Anyway, here goes.**

**Disclaimer: Vera does not own Jacob Black, Leah Clearwater, Sue Clearwater, Forks, sugar highs, Doritos, or 2003UB313. She does, however, own the idea and the really random title.**

Leah giggled. "This is going to be so much fun!"

Jacob giggled. While Leah had made it sound cute, Jacob made it sound like he was choking on roasted minkle meat. "We're going to get in so much trouble for this!"

Leah giggled again. "But we're going to have so much fun doing it!"

Jacob giggled again.

They were, _of course_, on a sugar high. What other explanation could there be? Currently, they were sneaking across a big field, carrying ten bags or so of Doritos. You might wonder _where_ there were sneaking towards. Well, it was a drainage cover that led into the Forks sewer. Yes, Forks has a sewer. Don't ask.

Anyway, Jacob and Leah were "covertly" sneaking towards the drainage cover. Riiight... you could probably hear them in China. While wearing earplugs. During WWIII.

It was about... um, now, actually, that they reached the drainage cover. They put the Dorito bags - all of which were Family Size - on the ground and, together, they lifted the cover off. You could probably hear it on Mars. Wearing earplugs. And earmuffs. In a soundproof room. During WWIII. While playing heavy metal music as loud as your speakers could go. You get the picture.

Leah and Jacob each grabbed a Family Size bag of Doritos, and opened it. You could probably hear it on Saturn. Wearing- oh, nevermind! You get what I mean. Back to the point.

They both dumped the entire bag of Doritos into the drainage pipe, accidentally hitting each other over the head. They continued to do this until there were no more Doritos left. They were giggling the entire time, and it still sounded like Jake was choking on roasted minkle meat.

Then, they dragged the drainage cover back onto the opening. You could probably hear it on 2003UB313- I'm not going to say any more than that.

Then, they ran off, acting quite drunken. It was, in fact, the sugar high, but if you watching them, you wouldn't think so, at least not immediately.

Anyway, they ran off. And right here is where a time lapse occurs. Around three hours later, Jacob and Leah were lounging around Jake's house, munching on miscellaneous sugar-filled items of food.

That's when the phone rang.

"I'LL GET IT!" Both Jake and Leah yelled. They both jumped off of the couch, and ran into each other. They both then said, "Owww..."

"Let _me_ get it, it's my house!"

"Ladies first!"

"I'm the Alpha!"

"I'm the Beta!"

"..."

"Oh, fine!"

Leah jumped out of the way, and Jake rushed past, getting the phone on the last ring. In a deep voice, a lot deeper than his regular voice, which was already pretty deep, Jake said, "White residence. I mean, Gray residence. I mean... Um... Black residence? There we go..."

Leah, halfway across the room, could hear someone shouting over the line. VERY. LOUDLY.

Jacob winced and held the phone a foot away from his ear. "Yes, Ms. Clearwater..."

"WHAT THE F--- DO YOU WANT!?" Leah yelled at the top of her lungs.

"NOT YOU, YOU IDIOT! I'M TALKING TO YOUR MOM!!!!!!!!" Jacob yelled back.

Even though they were only ten feet away from each other, they felt the need to shout at the top of their lungs. Must be the sugar high.

On the other line of the phone, you could hear, "JACOB BLACK, LEAH CLEARWATER, DO YOU HEAR ME!?!?!?!?!?!? YOU DUMPED TEN FAMILY SIZE BAGS OF DORITOS INTO _MY_ SEWER SYSTEM!!!!!! I CAN SUE YOU FOR THAT!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I WILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

﻿**(A/N: -mourns CAPS lock key-)**

I forgot to mention that little fact, didn't I? Well, Sue Clearwater owns the sewer system. Yeah, I didn't know someone could own a sewer system, either.

Then Sue hung up. Jacob and Leah looked at each and shared a mutual, "Uh-oh."

And here comes another time lapse! ...And there is went. Oh, well. Anyway, guess where Lee-Lee and Jake-Jake found themselves one week later? If you guessed court, you'd be right.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so it by the court of law, justice, and God?" I asked them.

Leah and Jacob said at the same time, "I do."

"I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride."

They looked at me in horror, then at each other, then back at me. I cracked up, then jogged back up to my judge's stand. "Alright, you two go sit yourselves down..."

Leah and Jacob glared at me, and scuttled back to their seats. I'd already sworn Sue in, in case you're wondering.

"Alright, so, tell me, Sue, why are you suing Jacob and Leah, here?"

"Well, your honor-

"Vera." I cut in.

Sue looked a teensy bit stunned. "Uh... right... well, Vera, I'm the owners of Forks' sewer system, see. And last week, I learned that Jacob Black and _my daughter_ had dumped ten Family Size bags of Doritos into the sewer system. So, now, I'm suing them."

I pursed my lips. "And _why_ are you suing them for dumping ten Family Size bags of Doritos into Forks' sewer system? I mean, it's a _sewer_."

Sue stammered. "Uh... I-I'm s-suing th-them b-bec-cause th-the D-doritos c-caused d-damage to the s-sewer s-system..."

I tried to raise an eyebrow, failed miserably like I always do, and ended up raising them both. "And how did the Doritos cause damage to the sewer system?"

Sue blinked. I guess she didn't expect me to ask that, instead of just taking her word for it. "Uhhh... the Doritos caused cheese powder build up on the filter which caused a reduction in the amount of sewage water filtered through the filter and caused the system to back up which caused numerous adverse affects."

She was obviously trying to confuse me with techno-babble, but I am the QUEEN of techno-babble. I totally had her beat.

I smiled at her. "Well, then, why don't you straightforwardly abolish the cheese powder which generated the reduction of sewage water being filtered through the filter and not bother suing the aforementioned Jacob Black and _your daughter_ since there wouldn't be a necessity for a cash or other money transaction, such as debit, credit, or check, and you wouldn't be exasperating me by coercing me to sort out this case by scrutinizing and evaluating?"

She blinked again. "Uh..."

"I rest my case."

I turned to Leah and Jacob. "You will pay a fine of twenty-four cents to Ms. Clearwater, and that is finally."

I banged my mallet thing against the stand. "Dismissed."

And here we have another time lapse! Actually, it's not a time lapse, since this is the end of this oneshot. Goodbye now.

**-grin- Whaddya think? I might do another one if I figure out something with names... maybe Aro's Aero Aerobics? There's also Alice's Palace Malice, and Jake's Fake Lake, and Jane's Pain... something. Haha, I could probably go on all day. If any of you have ideas for really cool titles, Review or PM me! :)**

**R&R?**


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